In April I began seeing a new therapist to help me deal with something that I have been avoiding for the past 20 or so years, an eating disorder. I am not new to therapy. My father battled depression throughout my childhood and on occasion our family saw his therapist. My family also saw to a family therapist once or twice when I was in elementary school and my parents forced me to see a psychiatrist once after my first year of college (that's a story for another post). After I got my first "real" job I briefly saw an LCSW for "adjustment difficulties", but I never really had a relationship with any of those therapists, they were short interactions, nothing more than a few sessions.
While I was in graduate school I had the opportunity to develop a relationship with an amazing therapist who was a clinical psychologist at our school's counseling center. She was great and eventually after I exhausted the limit of individual therapy sessions I transitioned to a womens' therapy group that she co-led.
While I was pretty nervous about the transition, one "silly" question I had was what to call her. In individual therapy I never had any reason to address her formally. I just sort of talked. So, before I left individual I actually asked her how she was to be referred to. Should I call her Dr. H, she had earned her PhD and was technically a Dr., or should I be less formal and call her MB? I know it is a silly thing to worry about, but I don't like to mess things up and I wanted to know what was expected of me especially since I was already anxious about beginning group. Maybe it was because I was being seen at a university counseling center (universities can be pretty lax about formality), but she told me that I could call her by her first name. The other group leader also went by her first name and that was that. Personally it made me feel more at ease to think about talking with MB and J rather than "Dr. H" and "Dr. R".
So, this brings me back to the beginning of my post, I am seeing a new therapist, who is a clinical psychologist and has a doctorate. And while I don't have any reason to address him by name in the sessions, I am wondering if he prefers "Dr. R" or J. After my last experience, I actually would prefer to call him J, but I get the feeling that this clinic is more formal. I refer to myself as Dr. R's patient and when the office secretary calls, she says that she is calling to remind my of my appointment with Dr. R. I know this seems like something trivial to think about, but what can I say, I like to obsess :)
It is funny, I don't think he has actually referred to me by name either. While that wouldn't be that important generally, it is interesting especially since I also have a doctorate (which I don't use in social situations). I guess if we both wanted to be formal, we both would be Dr. R.
Perhaps this post doesn't make sense to anyone else, but I am interested in knowing how others refer to their therapist, by first names or by "Dr."? I guess I can see both sides of the coin, (professional courtesy, or informality for the purposes of developing greater rapport) but would love to know how others deal with this with their therapists.
Thanks
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
On (Not) Going Home
Well, My last post was about me dreading going to my mother's house for the weekend, but alas, the governor called (or rather emailed in this case) and granted me a stay of execution. On Friday morning I received an email from my mom saying that my brother had decided not to come to her house for his birthday. Since my only reason for going home was to be with him on his birthday, I was free to decline a visit, which I gratefully did!
Anyway, one of the big reasons why I was dreading going home was the focus on my weight and my progress in Weight Watchers. I officially quit WW about a month ago, but hadn't told my mom. It really isn't any of her business, but I knew that I wasn't really working the program and consequently the program wasn't really working for me. I also couldn't bear the fact that I had actually surpassed my starting weight. Isn't that the definition of failure on a weight loss program? When I started seeing my therapist I mentioned that I attended WW and he was very non-confrontational about the whole situation. He didn't praise or dismiss it and basically said that he wasn't going to insist that I continue or stop - I must say that was nice - I was free to decide how to proceed. So, I quit without any discussion of the matter - I think he was a bit surprised, but I needed to make the decision.
Well, my mom finally asked about WW as I was driving home from work on Thursday. Stupid me I called her on a Thursday (my ww day) and I guess she naturally felt the need to check in on how it was going. Basically she just came out and asked if I was still attending. I was really surprised that she just asked right out of the blue. I was a little stunned actually and couldn't really come up with what I had decided to tell her. I basically said, "that's a good question" and asked why she wanted to know. I know, a defensive response, but the only one I could come up with. I then decided to tell her the truth (at least part of it), that I had deciced to quit because the program wasn't really working for me. She wanted to be reassured that I was still working out (which I am) and questioned whether or not my clothes have been feeling better (which they are not). I guess I am pleased that I didn't lie, but at the same time I'm worried about what this means for future encounters. I anticipate more comments about weight and the fact that I have gained about 5-10 pounds over the past 3 months. Maybe I can just avoid seeing her for the next several months while I get my act together. Wouldn't that be lovely?
Needless to say, my mom was the focus of most of my therapy appointment on Friday. It is so frustrating for me because at 35 I am still so influenced by her judgement and I worry about her ridicule and disapproval. It is so silly, but it has the ability to cut me to the quick. It just seems like it would be so much easier if she didn't matter and I could ignore her comments, but that is not the case.
I think I have rambled enough for this post - it really isn't a very interesting or thought provoking post, but I thought I should follow up on my last post.
Anyway, one of the big reasons why I was dreading going home was the focus on my weight and my progress in Weight Watchers. I officially quit WW about a month ago, but hadn't told my mom. It really isn't any of her business, but I knew that I wasn't really working the program and consequently the program wasn't really working for me. I also couldn't bear the fact that I had actually surpassed my starting weight. Isn't that the definition of failure on a weight loss program? When I started seeing my therapist I mentioned that I attended WW and he was very non-confrontational about the whole situation. He didn't praise or dismiss it and basically said that he wasn't going to insist that I continue or stop - I must say that was nice - I was free to decide how to proceed. So, I quit without any discussion of the matter - I think he was a bit surprised, but I needed to make the decision.
Well, my mom finally asked about WW as I was driving home from work on Thursday. Stupid me I called her on a Thursday (my ww day) and I guess she naturally felt the need to check in on how it was going. Basically she just came out and asked if I was still attending. I was really surprised that she just asked right out of the blue. I was a little stunned actually and couldn't really come up with what I had decided to tell her. I basically said, "that's a good question" and asked why she wanted to know. I know, a defensive response, but the only one I could come up with. I then decided to tell her the truth (at least part of it), that I had deciced to quit because the program wasn't really working for me. She wanted to be reassured that I was still working out (which I am) and questioned whether or not my clothes have been feeling better (which they are not). I guess I am pleased that I didn't lie, but at the same time I'm worried about what this means for future encounters. I anticipate more comments about weight and the fact that I have gained about 5-10 pounds over the past 3 months. Maybe I can just avoid seeing her for the next several months while I get my act together. Wouldn't that be lovely?
Needless to say, my mom was the focus of most of my therapy appointment on Friday. It is so frustrating for me because at 35 I am still so influenced by her judgement and I worry about her ridicule and disapproval. It is so silly, but it has the ability to cut me to the quick. It just seems like it would be so much easier if she didn't matter and I could ignore her comments, but that is not the case.
I think I have rambled enough for this post - it really isn't a very interesting or thought provoking post, but I thought I should follow up on my last post.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Going home
Well, It looks like I have to make a trip home this weekend. It is my brother's birthday and my mom wants us to celebrate together. Never mind that both my brother and I will have to travel to her - what's that about? Shouldn't she come to us (we happen to live in the same city)? I think the other motive she has for us coming to see her is that we can be together for father's day.
Last year she got angry at me - although she wouldn't actually admit it. Maybe she didn't really even know why she got angry with me, but she did and I think it was because I didn't send her husband a father's day card. I say, "her husband" because that is who he is, her husband. He isn't my father and I don't consider him to be my step father. I was 33 when they got married, I have never lived in the same town as them and I don't see them all that often. I don't dislike him, but at the same time I don't feel especially close to him. Why should I? Anyway, my mom thinks I don't like him and it is her job to create some bond between us. I really think she is trying too hard.
It is funny, my brother and I recently talked about him and we sort of both feel the same way - he is a fine person, but we don't really have any connection to him. I think we are both happy that my mom has someone in her life now (my father passed away nearly 8 years ago), but we don't really have a deep connection to her husband. I wish she could just be okay with that, but it seems to really bother her.
The other reason I am dreading this visit is because I'm worried that my mom will ask too many questions about my weight loss (or more exactly, my lack of weight loss). She seems to leave me alone if she knows I am attending Weight Watchers, but I quit last month after I started ED therapy. Obviously I haven't told her yet and I'm dreading what I will say when she asks me how it is going. It is also possible that she will notice that I have gained some weight since I last saw her - I think 5 lbs. I actually think that she will notice the weight gain, or the lack of loss and that will prompt her to ask about WW. She is pretty sneaky like that.
Anyway, I talked with my therapist a bit about what would happen once I quit WW and I even practiced something to say to her, but I have a feeling that it won't be that simple. I practiced saying, "I am trying something different right now." Well, in my imagination there is absolutely no way that that simple statement would be enough and the interaction will blow up. In reality, the interaction will probably be something between these two extremes, but right now I don't feel up to anything - not even the simple statement. I am just too tired and emotionally exhausted from all of my anxiety to fight that fight with my mom this weekend. Perhaps I will just lie. It has worked in the past...at least for a while :)
Last year she got angry at me - although she wouldn't actually admit it. Maybe she didn't really even know why she got angry with me, but she did and I think it was because I didn't send her husband a father's day card. I say, "her husband" because that is who he is, her husband. He isn't my father and I don't consider him to be my step father. I was 33 when they got married, I have never lived in the same town as them and I don't see them all that often. I don't dislike him, but at the same time I don't feel especially close to him. Why should I? Anyway, my mom thinks I don't like him and it is her job to create some bond between us. I really think she is trying too hard.
It is funny, my brother and I recently talked about him and we sort of both feel the same way - he is a fine person, but we don't really have any connection to him. I think we are both happy that my mom has someone in her life now (my father passed away nearly 8 years ago), but we don't really have a deep connection to her husband. I wish she could just be okay with that, but it seems to really bother her.
The other reason I am dreading this visit is because I'm worried that my mom will ask too many questions about my weight loss (or more exactly, my lack of weight loss). She seems to leave me alone if she knows I am attending Weight Watchers, but I quit last month after I started ED therapy. Obviously I haven't told her yet and I'm dreading what I will say when she asks me how it is going. It is also possible that she will notice that I have gained some weight since I last saw her - I think 5 lbs. I actually think that she will notice the weight gain, or the lack of loss and that will prompt her to ask about WW. She is pretty sneaky like that.
Anyway, I talked with my therapist a bit about what would happen once I quit WW and I even practiced something to say to her, but I have a feeling that it won't be that simple. I practiced saying, "I am trying something different right now." Well, in my imagination there is absolutely no way that that simple statement would be enough and the interaction will blow up. In reality, the interaction will probably be something between these two extremes, but right now I don't feel up to anything - not even the simple statement. I am just too tired and emotionally exhausted from all of my anxiety to fight that fight with my mom this weekend. Perhaps I will just lie. It has worked in the past...at least for a while :)
Saturday, June 13, 2009
My First Post
Well, I am a bit of a late bloomer when it comes to this blogging thing. But it looks like fun and it may be an opportunity for me to relate to others who are like me in a nice, anonymous manner.
Anyway, over the past few weeks I have been exploring the blog-o-verse (is that even a term?) in an attempt to understand a few things about myself. While I have been out and about exploring this new world I have found an amazing number of really interesting people who are going through things similar to me. Over the past few days I have moved from a blog stalker to a commenter and I figure I will take the ultimate plunge and actually become a blogger too. While I don't really think or expect people to be interested in what I have to say, it is nice to have a venue in which to say it. It is sort of like an online diary - but I get to be anonymous!! I like my privacy - and it is liberating to feel like I can put my thoughts out there without the threat of being "found out." Perhaps that is naive, but I feel like this blog give me the opportunity to vent without repercussions in my "real" life.
So, I have been wandering the blog-o-verse to understand more about eating disorders. My first tip toe was through twitter. I recently discovered twitter and quickly became addicted to its speed and ability to connect with others quickly and in bite sized pieces. I was soon twittering with friends and telling everyone I knew about it and how much fun it is - well one HUGE mistake I made was raving about it to my mother. STUPID STUPID STUPID. She now follows me and commonly tweets back - so I am pretty careful about what I tweet. Also, my main twitter account is in my own name so I need to be careful about what I tweet about.
Anyway, because my friends all have my twitter name and I like my privacy I opened an auxiliary account to follow people who are talking about eating disorders. This account has been my lifeline into this crazy world. (BTW, I say "crazy world" not out of malice or judgment of others, I use that term as a reflection of my own bewildered and personal journey). After connecting with an amazing group of (mostly) women, I realized that many of them also have blogs, so I went exploring and I was comforted to learn from their posts that they have similar experiences to mine. It was quite a relief to know that I am not as big a freak as I would lead myself to believe.
Over the past few days I have started leaving comments and it is fun to be able to communicate with others in more than the 140 characters Twitter allows. I also thought that maybe I could make more sense of my own personal journey by posting my experiences. Who knows, this may just be a passing phase that I am going through and I will be terrible about posting - I guess that is part of the fun. I will put myself out there and see what, if anything becomes of this.
So, as I think about what purpose this blog may serve I guess I am looking at it as another outlet to document my ED journey (which officially began on 4/27/09) and gain more insight into myself - maybe I will end up less crazy than I feel now - here's hoping that I do
datagirl
Anyway, over the past few weeks I have been exploring the blog-o-verse (is that even a term?) in an attempt to understand a few things about myself. While I have been out and about exploring this new world I have found an amazing number of really interesting people who are going through things similar to me. Over the past few days I have moved from a blog stalker to a commenter and I figure I will take the ultimate plunge and actually become a blogger too. While I don't really think or expect people to be interested in what I have to say, it is nice to have a venue in which to say it. It is sort of like an online diary - but I get to be anonymous!! I like my privacy - and it is liberating to feel like I can put my thoughts out there without the threat of being "found out." Perhaps that is naive, but I feel like this blog give me the opportunity to vent without repercussions in my "real" life.
So, I have been wandering the blog-o-verse to understand more about eating disorders. My first tip toe was through twitter. I recently discovered twitter and quickly became addicted to its speed and ability to connect with others quickly and in bite sized pieces. I was soon twittering with friends and telling everyone I knew about it and how much fun it is - well one HUGE mistake I made was raving about it to my mother. STUPID STUPID STUPID. She now follows me and commonly tweets back - so I am pretty careful about what I tweet. Also, my main twitter account is in my own name so I need to be careful about what I tweet about.
Anyway, because my friends all have my twitter name and I like my privacy I opened an auxiliary account to follow people who are talking about eating disorders. This account has been my lifeline into this crazy world. (BTW, I say "crazy world" not out of malice or judgment of others, I use that term as a reflection of my own bewildered and personal journey). After connecting with an amazing group of (mostly) women, I realized that many of them also have blogs, so I went exploring and I was comforted to learn from their posts that they have similar experiences to mine. It was quite a relief to know that I am not as big a freak as I would lead myself to believe.
Over the past few days I have started leaving comments and it is fun to be able to communicate with others in more than the 140 characters Twitter allows. I also thought that maybe I could make more sense of my own personal journey by posting my experiences. Who knows, this may just be a passing phase that I am going through and I will be terrible about posting - I guess that is part of the fun. I will put myself out there and see what, if anything becomes of this.
So, as I think about what purpose this blog may serve I guess I am looking at it as another outlet to document my ED journey (which officially began on 4/27/09) and gain more insight into myself - maybe I will end up less crazy than I feel now - here's hoping that I do
datagirl
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